You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My penis needs a shock collar
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
