So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
