On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
