I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
