I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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