If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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