Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
