Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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