Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
