Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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