she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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