you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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