Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
