New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
this boner is exhausting
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
