I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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