His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
