he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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