i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
