I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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