btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
