I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
