nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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