So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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