When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
