i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
