I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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