My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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