They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
