I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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