why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
