Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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