There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
