Why are handjobs necessary in class?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We had to coat check the pizza.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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