You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
