don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
