my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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