I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
