My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
