my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
