nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
