Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just saw a hot homeless man
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
