how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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