I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
