I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
