I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
