my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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