its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
