Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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