dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
