I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
