today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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