Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
